Why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men (& women) ;)

Why Does He Do That? Quotes

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

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Why Does He Do That? Quotes

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches
or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, abusive-relationships, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, physical-abuse, verbal-abuse

“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his pattern of ups and downs. She gets drawn into the complexities of his inner world, trying to uncover clues, moving pieces around in an attempt to solve an elaborate puzzle.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, emotional-abuse,intimidation, mental-abuse, physical-abuse, verbal-abuse

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“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abuse-survivors, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationships, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, physical-abuse

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“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.”
At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn’t quite right.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abuse-survivors, abused-women, abuser, abusers, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship,abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, physical-abuse,psychological-abuse, psychology

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“Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, domestic-violence, physical-abuse

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“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right. And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, physical-abuse, psychological-abuse, psychology

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“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusers, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship,abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, physical-abuse,psychological-abuse

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“The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are:
You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you.
Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.
The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.
If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.
When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me.
If I put you down for long enough, some day you’ll see.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, verbal-abuse

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“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, physical-abuse

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“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, entitlement

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“In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients were revealing childhood incest victimization to him. Freud concluded that child sexual abuse was one of the major causes of emotional disturbances in adult women and wrote a brilliant and humane paper called “The Aetiology of Hysteria.” However, rather than receiving acclaim from his colleagues for his ground-breaking insights, Freud met with scorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men of excellent reputation (most of his patients came from upstanding homes) could be perpetrators of incest.
Within a few years, Freud buckled under this heavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. In their place he proposed the “Oedipus complex,” which became the foundation of modern psychology. According to this theory any young girl actually desires sexual contact with her father, because she wants to compete with her mother to be the most special person in his life. Freud used this construct to conclude that the episodes of incestuous abuse his clients had revealed to him had never taken place; they were simply fantasies of events the women had wished for when they were children and that the women had come to believe were real. This construct started a hundred-year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on them and outright discrediting of women’s and children’s reports of mistreatment by men.
Once abuse was denied in this way, the stage was set for some psychologists to take the view that any violent or sexually exploitative behaviors that couldn’t be denied—because they were simply too obvious—should be considered mutually caused. Psychological literature is thus full of descriptions of young children who “seduce” adults into sexual encounters and of women whose “provocative” behavior causes men to become violent or sexually assaultive toward them.
I wish I could say that these theories have long since lost their influence, but I can’t. A psychologist who is currently one of the most influential professionals nationally in the field of custody disputes writes that women provoke men’s violence by “resisting their control” or by “attempting to leave.” She promotes the Oedipus complex theory, including the claim that girls wish for sexual contact with their fathers. In her writing she makes the observation that young girls are often involved in “mutually seductive” relationships with their violent fathers, and it is on the basis of such “research” that some courts have set their protocols. The Freudian legacy thus remains strong.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abusive-men, abusive-parents, child-abuse, domestic-abuse, freudian, incest, sexual-abuse, victim-blaming

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“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, abusive-relationships,domestic-abuse, domestic-violence

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"Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist. These walls tend to grow over time, so that after a few years in a relationship my clients can reach a point where they feel no more guilt over degrading or threatening their partners than you or I would feel after angrily kicking a stone in the driveway.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, objectification

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“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, opposites, relationship, respect

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“The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:
You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.
As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
I know exactly how to get under your skin.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationship, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, verbal-abuse

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“Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that’s physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, physical-abuse

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“The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land—and he owns them.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, domestic-violence, sexual-abuse

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“As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men

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“To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should do about it. Her clergyperson may tell her, “Love heals all difficulties. Give him your heart fully, and he will find the spirit of God.” Her therapist speaks a different language, saying, “He triggers strong reactions in you because he reminds you of your father, and you set things off in him because of his relationship with his mother. You each need to work on not pushing each other’s buttons.” A recovering alcoholic friend tells her, “He’s a rage addict. He controls you because he is terrified of his own fears. You need to get him into a twelve-step program.” Her brother may say to her, “He’s a good guy. I know he loses his temper with you sometimes—he does have a short fuse—but you’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours. You two need to work it out, for the good of the children.” And then, to crown her increasing confusion, she may hear from her mother, or her child’s schoolteacher, or her best friend: “He’s mean and crazy, and he’ll never change. All he wants is to hurt you. Leave him now before he does something even worse.” All of these people are trying to help, and they are all talking about the same abuser. But he looks different from each angle of view.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, abusive-relationships, advice, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, psychological-abuse,psychotherapy

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“HOW CAN I TELL IF A MAN I’M SEEING WILL BECOME ABUSIVE?

• He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
• He is disrespectful toward you.
• He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.
• He is controlling.
• He is possessive.
• Nothing is ever his fault.
• He is self-centered.
• He abuses drugs or alcohol.
• He pressures you for sex.
• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
• He intimidates you when he’s angry.
• He has double standards.
• He has negative attitudes toward women.
• He treats you differently around other people.
• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
No single one of the warning signs above is a sure sign of an abusive man, with the exception of physical intimidation. Many nonabusive men may exhibit a umber of these behaviors to a limited degree. What, then, should a woman do to protect herself from having a relationship turn abusive?
Although there is no foolproof solution, the best plan is:
1. Make it clear to him as soon as possible which behaviors or attitudes are unacceptable to you and that you cannot be in a relationship with him if they continue.
2. If it happens again, stop seeing him for a substantial period of time. Don’t keep seeing him with the warning that this time you “really mean it,” because he will probably interpret that to mean that you don’t.
3. If it happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors that are warning flags, chances are great that he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances, you are likely to regret it later.
Finally, be aware that as an abuser begins his slide into abuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can’t imagine the problem might be with him. All he notices is that you don’t seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse

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“But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the
center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse

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“THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS
1. He was abused as a child.
2. His previous partner hurt him.
3. He abuses those he loves the most.
4. He holds in his feelings too much.
5. He has an aggressive personality.
6. He loses control.
7. He is too angry.
8. He is mentally ill.
9. He hates women.
10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11. He has low self-esteem.
12. His boss mistreats him.
13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
16. He is a victim of racism.
17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusers, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence

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“As I have explained in earlier chapters, abusiveness has little to do with psychological problems and everything to do with values and beliefs. Where do a boy’s values about partner relationships come from? The sources are many. The most important ones include the family he grows up in, his neighborhood, the television he watches and books he reads, jokes he hears, messages that he receives from the toys he is given, and his most influential adult role models. His role models are important not just for which behaviors they exhibit to the boy but also for which values they teach him in words and what expectations they instill in him for the future. In sum, a boy’s values develop from the full range of his experiences within his culture.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, misogyny, patriarchal-society, sexism

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“THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, conflict

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“When a man starts my program, he often says, “I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.” I always correct him: "Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse-recovery, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse,domestic-violence

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“The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, possessiveness

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“There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare.
I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one would tell.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abuse-survivors, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, physical-abuse, verbal-abuse

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“The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerous reactions that abusers can have when relationships draw to a close have often been considered, especially by psychologists, to be evidence of the man’s “fear of abandonment.” But women have fears of abandonment that are just as great as men’s, yet they rarely stalk or kill their partners after a breakup. Not only that, but many abusers are vicious to their ex-partners even when they do not desire a reunion or when they initiated the breakup themselves.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, breakup, misogyny

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“Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image he may turn nasty. So there may not be much difference between the man who talks down to you and the one who elevates you; both are displaying a failure to respect you as a real human being and bode ill.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, idealization

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“It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence

TO ORDER BOOK... CLICK HERE

 

Why Does He Do That? Quotes

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“Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men
TO ORDER THIS BOOK: click here

“I am often asked whether physical aggression by women toward men, such as a slap in the face, is abuse. The answer is: “It depends.” Men typically experience women’s shoves or slaps as annoying and infuriating rather than intimidating, so the long-term emotional effects are less damaging. It is rare to find a man who has gradually lost his freedom or self-esteem because of a woman’s aggressiveness.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships
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“It is not possible to be truly balanced in one’s views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“Abuse doesn’t come from people’s inability to resolve conflicts but from one person’s decision to claim a higher status than another. So while it is valuable, for example, to teach nonviolent conflict-resolution skills to elementary school students—a popular initiative nowadays—such efforts contribute little by themselves to ending abuse. Teaching equality, teaching a deep respect for all human beings — these are more complicated undertakings, but they are the ones that count.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.
So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don’t show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-parents, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence
TO ORDER THIS BOOK: click here

“The man’s rights and the woman’s rights are the same size. They have the right to have their opinions and desires respected, to have a 50 percent say in decision making, to live free from verbal abuse and physical harm. Their children’s rights are somewhat smaller but substantial nonetheless; children can’t have an equal say in decisions because of their limited knowledge and experience, but they do have the right to live free from abuse and fear, to be treated with respect, and to have their voices heard on all issues that concern them.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: family, rights
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“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships
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“The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. The news media regrettably often accept the aggressors’ view of these acts, describing them as “crimes of passion.” But what could more thoroughly prove that a man did not love his partner? If a mother were to kill one of her children, would we ever accept the claim that she did it because she was overwhelmed by how much she cared? Not for an instant. Nor should we. Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-violence
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“The central attitudes driving the Player are:
Women were put on this earth to have sex with men—especially me.
Women who want sex are too loose, and women who refuse sex are too uptight. (!)
It’s not my fault that women find me irresistible. (This is a word-for-word quotation from a number of my clients.) It’s not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it’s all around me; women seduce me sometimes, and I can’t help it.
If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I’m in this relationship when it’s convenient for me and when I feel like it.
Women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches.
If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn’t have to turn to other women.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, infidelity, verbal-abuse
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“Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, domestic-violence, physical-abuse, signs-of-abuse
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“ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology. When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and insulting personality that normally stays hidden, reserved for private attacks on his partner. An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships
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“If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place. Abusers interpret silence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. To abused women, meanwhile, the silence means that no one will help—just what her partner wants her to believe. Anyone who chooses to quietly look the other way therefore unwittingly becomes the abuser’s ally.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse
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“The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are:
I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.
I know the exact way that everything should be done.
You shouldn’t have anyone else — or any thing else — in your life besides me.
I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.
I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. (!!)”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, physical-abuse, sexual-abuse
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“The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are:
I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive.
As long as I use a lot of “psychobabble,” no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood.
I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationship, emotinal-abuse, verbal-abuse
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“Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and medicating of boys whose problem may really be that they have been traumatized and influenced by exposure to violence and abuse at home. Treating these boys as though they have a chemical problem not only overlooks the distress they are in but also reinforces their belief that they are “out of control” or “sick,” rather than helping them to recognize that they are making bad choices based on destructive values. I have sometimes heard adults telling girls that they should be flattered by boys’ invasive or aggressive behavior “because it means they really like you,” an approach that prepares both boys and girls to confuse love with abuse and socializes girls to feel helpless.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: ableism, abuse, violence-against-women
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“In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“Outside of my professional life, I have known many couples over the years who had passion and electricity between them and who treated each other well. But unfortunately there is wide acceptance in our society of the unhealthy notion that passion and aggression are interwoven and that cruel verbal exchanges and bomblike explosions are the price you pay for a relationship that is exciting, deep, and sexy. Popular romantic movies and soap operas sometimes reinforce this image.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-relationships, aggression, emotional-abuse, passion, verbal-abuse
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“Have you ever noticed that people sometimes quit a job soon after returning from a vacation? We all have a higher tolerance for frustrating or unhealthy situations in our lives when they are constant, but when we get a little time away and then come back, that taste of freedom changes our perspective. What had been a dull ache turns into a sharp pain and becomes unbearable.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“The central attitudes driving the Victim are:
Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I’ve been involved with. Poor me.
When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you’re just like the rest.
It’s justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me, and even to make it quite a bit worse to make sure you get the message.
Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment, are anti-male and out for blood.
I’ve had it so hard that I’m not responsible for my actions.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse
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“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he was angry because he was abusive. Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, anger, anger-and-attitude, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence
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“The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:
It’s your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I’m unhappy about
any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it’s your fault.
You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
I am above criticism.
I am a very loving and giving partner. You’re lucky to have me.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-behavior, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse
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“Resistance never disappears; it waits in the shadows, sometimes for many years, and then eventually sprouts again. You may have gone through dark times when you felt, “I just can’t fight this anymore, I give up,” yet you rebound after a while to try again to recover your rights. And one day you will succeed.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“Have you ever suffered a sharp disappointment or a painful loss and found yourself looking for someone to blame? Have you, for example, ever been nasty to a store clerk when you were really upset about your job? Most people have an impulse to dump bad feelings on some undeserving person, as a way to relieve - temporarily—sadness or frustration. Certain days you may know that you just have to keep an eye on yourself so as not to bite someone’s head off.
The abusive man doesn’t bother to keep an eye on himself, however. In fact, he considers himself entitled to use his partner as a kind of human garbage dump where he can litter the ordinary pains and frustrations that life brings us. She is always an available target, she is easy to blame — since no partner is perfect—and she can’t prevent him from dumping because he will get even worse if she tries. His excuse when he jettisons his distresses on to her is that his life is unusually painful—an unacceptable rationalization even if it were true, which it generally isn’t.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse
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“Consider how challenging it is to negotiate or compromise with a man who operates on the following tenets (whether or not he ever says them aloud):
1. “An argument should only last as long as my patience does. Once I’ve had enough, the discussion is over and it’s time for you to shut up.”
2. “If the issue we’re struggling over is important to me, I should get what I want. If you don’t back off, you’re wronging me.”
3. “I know what is best for you and for our relationship. If you continue disagreeing with me after I’ve made it clear which path is the right one, you’re acting stupid.”
4. “If my control and authority seem to be slipping, I have the right to take steps to reestablish the rule of my will, including abuse if necessary.”
The last item on this list is the one that most distinguishes the abuser from other people: Perhaps any of us can slip into having feelings like the ones in numbers one through three, but the abuser gives himself permission to take action on the basis of his beliefs. With him, the foregoing statements aren’t feelings; they are closely held convictions that he uses to guide his actions. That is why they lead to so much bullying behavior.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse
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“Alcohol does not a change a person’s fundamental value system. People’s personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when sober. When you are drunk you may behave in ways that are silly or embarrassing; you might be overly familiar or tactlessly honest, or perhaps careless or forgetful. But do you knock over little old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store? Unlikely. People’s conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.
ABUSERS MAKE CONSCIOUS CHOICES EVEN WHILE INTOXICATED”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, alcohol, alcohol-abuse, domestic-violence, intoxication, physical-abuse, substance-abuse
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“In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients were revealing childhood incest victimization to him. Freud concluded that child sexual abuse was one of the major causes of emotional disturbances in adult women and wrote a brilliant and humane paper called “The Aetiology of Hysteria.” However, rather than receiving acclaim from his colleagues for his ground-breaking insights, Freud met with scorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men of excellent reputation (most of his patients came from upstanding homes) could be perpetrators of incest.
Within a few years, Freud buckled under this heavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. In their place he proposed the “Oedipus complex,” which became the foundation of modern psychology. According to this theory any young girl actually desires sexual contact with her father, because she wants to compete with her mother to be the most special person in his life. Freud used this construct to conclude that the episodes of incestuous abuse his clients had revealed to him had never taken place; they were simply fantasies of events the women had wished for when they were children and that the women had come to believe were real. This construct started a hundred-year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on them and outright discrediting of women’s and children’s reports of mistreatment by men.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, child-abuse, incest, sexual-abuse, victim-blaming
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“Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“The central attitudes driving the Terrorist are:
You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands.
Women are evil and have to be kept terrorized to prevent that evil from coming forth.
I would rather die than accept your right to independence.
The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful.
Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse
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“When a man’s face contorts in bitterness and hatred, he looks a little insane. When his mood changes from elated to assaultive in the time it takes to turn around, his mental stability seems open to question. When he accuses his partner of plotting to harm him, he seems paranoid. It is no wonder that the partner of an abusive man would come to suspect that he was mentally ill.
Yet the great majority of my clients over the years have been psychologically “normal.” Their minds work logically; they understand cause and effect; they don’t hallucinate. Their perceptions of most life circumstances are reasonably accurate. They get good reports at work; they do well in school or training programs; and no one other than their partners—and children—thinks that there is anything wrong with them. Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-health, physical-abuse, verbal-abuse
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“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let an angry and controlling man be the authority on partner abuse?”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


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Why Does He Do That? Quotes

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“Addiction does not cause partner abuse, and recovery from addiction does not “cure” partner abuse.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, addiction, partner-abuse, substance-abuse
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“Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abuse-survivors, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse,domestic-violence
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“Each human being deals with hurt or resentment in a unique way. When you feel insulted or bullied, you may reach for a chocolate bar. In the same circumstance, I might burst into tears. Another person may put his or her feelings quickly into words, confronting the mistreatment directly. Although our feelings can influence how we wish to act, our choices of how to behave are ultimately determined more by our attitudes and our habits. We respond to our emotional wounds based on what we believe about ourselves, how we think about the person who has hurt us, and how we perceive the world. Only in people who are severely traumatized or who have major mental illnesses is behavior governed by feelings. And only a tiny percentage of abusive men have these kinds of severe psychological problems.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, emotional-responses, emotional-trauma, emotions
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“Every aspect of the multipronged legal system even today is dominated by males: police, prosecutors, judges, probation officers. In addition, the state legislatures that make the laws are still disproportionately male. So how does the abuser come to the far-fetched conclusion that women are somehow lurking in the shadows, pulling strings to cause him to suffer consequences for his actions when he thinks there shouldn’t be any? This absurd leap occurs for two reasons. One is that he already has wellentrenched habits of blaming women for his own behavior. So when society sends him the message that he is responsible for what he does, he just widens the scope of his blame-projecting machine to target all women. The second is that if he didn’t blame women, he would have to accept the fact that a large proportion of men are opposed to what he is doing. Cultural values are changing, slowly but surely, and abusers cannot always count on other men to back them up anymore—a fact that makes them feel betrayed so they close their eyes to it.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“The central attitudes driving Rambo are:
Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad.
Anything that could be even remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost.
Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality) are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them.
Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behavior is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line.
You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, domestic-violence, physical-abuse
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“Encourage the women in your life—your friends, sisters, mothers, daughters—to insist on dignity and respect, to have faith in themselves, to be proud. Expect boys and men to be respectful, kind, and responsible, and don’t settle for less.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“As a product of Anglo-Saxon-Protestant culture, I am familiar with its centuries-old tradition of hiding its abuse of women under pretty packaging.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, violence
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“Each boy’s socialization is unique. Even two siblings close in age do not learn identical values. Culture is thus transmitted on a continuum. In a culture that is fairly religious, for example, some children will grow up to be devout believers; others will reject the faith completely; and most will fall in with the average level of religious observance for their community. Where a child will land on this continuum partly depends on how strong a set of messages he or she receives from the social environment and partly on his or her personal predispositions. The family rebel, for example, might become an atheist, while the child who is most focused on pleasing the parents might become even more religious than they are.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“A home where a woman is abused is a small-scale model of much larger oppressive systems that work in remarkably similar ways. Many of the excuses an abusive man uses for verbally tearing his partner to shreds are the same ones that a power-mad boss uses for humiliating his or her employees. The abusive man’s ability to convince himself that his domination of you is for your own good is paralleled by the dictator who says, “People in this country are too primitive for democracy.” The divide-and-conquer strategies used by abusers are reminiscent of a corporate head who tries to break the labor union by giving certain groups of workers favored treatment. The making of an abuser is thus not necessarily restricted to the specific values his society teaches him about men’s relationships with women; without realizing it he may also apply attitudes and tactics from other forms of oppression that he has been exposed to as a boy or as a young adult and that he has learned to justify or even admire.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“The abuser does not believe, however, that his level of authority over the children should be in any way connected to his actual level of effort or sacrifice on their behalf, or to how much knowledge he actually has about who they are or what is going on in their lives. He considers it his right to make the ultimate determination of what is good for them even if he doesn’t attend to their needs or even if he only contributes to those aspects of child care that he enjoys or that make him look like a great dad in public.”
― Lundy Bancroft Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-men, abusive-parents, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence
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“Children do best when parents are neither overly strict nor overly permissive, providing firm structure but also allowing for dialogue, respectful conflict, and compromise.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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“ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE
Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain chemicals can cause violent behavior — anabolic steroids, for example, or crack cocaine — but alcohol is not among them. In the human body, alcohol is actually a depressant, a substance that rarely causes aggression. Marijuana similarly has no biological action connected to abusiveness.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-partners, domestic-violence, substance-abuse
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“A man’s beliefs about the effects of the substance will largely be borne out. If he believes that alcohol can make him aggressive, it will, as research has shown. On the other hand, if he doesn’t attribute violence-causing powers to substances, he is unlikely to become aggressive even when severely intoxicated.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abusive-partners, domestic-violence, substance-abuse
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“Although the typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image, it is true that some women have abusive partners who are nasty or intimidating to everyone. How about that man? Do his problems result from mistreatment by his parents? The answer is both yes and no; it depends on which problem we’re talking about. His hostility toward the human race may sprout from cruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses women because he has an abuse problem. The two problems are related but distinct.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
tags: abuse, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partners, abusive-relationships, childhood-abuse, domestic-abuse,domestic-violence
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“Have you ever heard a woman claim that the reason why she is chronically mistreating her male partner is because a previous man abused her? I have never run into this excuse in the fifteen years I have worked in the field of abuse. Certainly I have encountered cases where women had trouble trusting another man after leaving an abuser, but there is a critical distinction to be made: Her past experiences may explain how she feels, but they are not an excuse for how she behaves. And the same is true for a man.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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https://www.goodreads.com/work/quot...inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

 

sometimes; i wonder
if we have one good parent
and, one that is a nemesis of some kind ???

i know i have experienced with people

• actually the same person
• everything to be, and, also everything NOT to be
• this person did NOT treat all people the same
• but, they were a very great lesson in this life for me